There has been a lot happening the last few months, and because of that I haven’t posted. I was very sick, and I am starting to feel better. I am back at work, somedays I’m just so tired that I need to just sleep. About a month ago I got a call from the prosecutor, regarding the what Carter said Mary did. I thought they weren’t going to press charges. I mean I hadn’t heard from them, and the detective had said that they weren’t going to press charges.

What I failed to mention is that a family member called the detective and told him that Carter was lying, and that I put him up to it. My immediate family is not happy with me, they feel like I shouldn’t have called the police when Mary violated the restraining order. It is easy for them from a distance to say that. She threated to kill me, and she has physically attacked me in the past. To them it’s Mary she wouldn’t do that, yet she already has. Also, when I ignored things in the past, she just kept upping the ante. First it was text messages, then phone calls, then she was driving by where we live. Then it was her sitting outside of where we live. They didn’t live that, and to be fair I haven’t told them everything. For a while, something was happening everyday. Also, they don’t call and check up on us. When they do they don’t seem to want to know about anything. My father especially, he doesn’t like to talk about it.

I went and met with the prosecutor, and turn out they are pressing charges. They are pressing charges for not just the sexual abuse, but physical, and neglect as well. My family doesn’t want Carter to press charges, so I decided I wasn’t going to tell them this update. They would find out in time anyway, and I already had let them know that Carter wanted to press charges. No sense in starting the issue sooner then it needs to be.

I got a phone call from my father yesterday. I came home from work and I wasn’t feeling well. I fed Carter and I went and laid down. I don’t usually sleep well, so for me to actually fall asleep is a big deal. When my phone rang I had been asleep. I answered and he said that Mary was getting out of the hospital tomorrow. I said ok, thanks for letting me know. He then explained that if Mary contacts Carter that I should call him and he will deal with it, instead of calling the police. I replied with well I changes Carter’s phone number, so if no one gives Mary his number there won’t be an issue. He then started to say that there was more then one way of trying to communicate. That he was tired of all this drama, and that he would like things to settle down. He would like things to settle down? He doesn’t live it day in and day out for the last four years. Then I asked a question (now I was still half asleep trying to process everything he as saying), I asked where this was coming from. I meant it like, she violated the restraining order months ago, why are you bringing this all up now. He took it as I was insinuating that it came from my brother. He started to yell and me and tell me he was tired of this sh*t. That maybe he will just stop talking to everyone cause he doesn’t want to have to deal with this all. He said why do you have to ask so many questions, you are over analyzing it. I replied I asked one question. I have to say I remarkably calm, even though he was yelling at me. Then he said if you don’t want to do it just say screw you I’ll do what I want. I thought to myself, all I did was ask a question and you’re jumping down my throat. I tried to explain that he didn’t understand my question. However, he kept going on about how he understood, and it doesn’t matter where it was coming from. Whether it was my mom, or my brother, he was saying it so it was coming from him. He still wasn’t listening to me. He said you’re not going to obey me. Obey him? I am a grown woman, this isn’t about disobeying him, its about what is best for my son. Then it hit me and I said, okay so because Mary is getting out tomorrow, you are afraid she will try to contact us so that is what made you think of this now. He was still not listening to me, and he said I won’t call for updates, I just won’t call. To which I finally lost my temper and I said you don’t call. He said what does that mean, and I said you don’t call unless you need something. You don’t call to check up or talk to me. He kept going on and yelling and I hung up the phone. I hung up on him for the first time in my whole life.

Our family is being torn apart, and it is because of addiction and mental health. Sometimes I feel so alone, and then God

Most people mean well, in fact they are pretty supportive. They just don’t understand and I know that. Yesterday I found myself at work in the bathroom with someone who said boys are so much easier than girls. That may be true, but any child with trauma is a whole different level. I know that people don’t get it not unless they have a child with trauma. Some think that I am too overly accommodating to Carter and his trauma at the holidays.

The truth is, I know that Carter needs to feel in control especially at the holidays. You know he has had some pretty traumatic Christmas and Thanksgiving Holidays. So I have learned how to pivot to make this a better experience for both of us. In other words, I give choices we discuss our holiday plans. I also have learned to allow Carter to make choices that are going to make our holiday less stressful for both of us. For example, he went to his adopted grandparents house on Christmas Day and stayed there for a few days. This was hard for me, I want him to be with me all day on Christmas. I also knew that if I didn’t make it an option then my time with him wouldn’t be great. Meaning is it really worth it in the end?

Instead he got up we opened presents and went to church. After church I brought him to his grandparents. It was hard for me to drop him off. Yet he was so excited to go. I want him to be excited to go there. They love on and spoil him in just the right ways. I need to let him make better Christmas memories. I need to let him have choices, he isn’t a little kid anymore.

I started making sure we did all the things earlier in the month. Asking him his opinion, yet subtly guiding him. So we made cookies and decorated them. We had our friends judge them. We went Christmas caroling. He was in the church and school Christmas concerts. He went to youth growth Christmas party with his girl friend. We went and blessed a family in town as we always do. We went in the car and looked at Christmas lights. We did all the things. We did all the things on a timeline that works for both of us.

You have to understand, when Carter was growing up it was constant chaos, and uncertainty. Life is uncertain and I know that. I also know that during stressful times that remind him of that very chaotic time he seeks control (aka any holiday). So I have really learned to go with the flow and give up control. Which because of my traumatic childhood isn’t always easy either. I can choose to pivot and give him what he needs or I can try to force him into whatever it is that I want to do. Have you ever tried to force a teenager? It doesn’t work out so well. They can literally refuse to move, and then be a pain and make everyone around them miserable.

It occurred to me one year that I could get stuck in a power struggle or I can give him some control. Now don’t get me wrong there are certain things we just do. I have also learned that if we put up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving it helps to get him out of his bad mood. Putting up Christmas is a bad memory, brings up emotions but Thanksgiving is one of his favorite holidays. So decorating before Thanksgiving helps him to snap out of the bad mood putting up decorations can cause. This year was the easiest year yet. My hope is that over the years, it will continue to be less hard and more enjoyable for him. I’m trying to change the script.

Forcing him or the issue doesn’t help. Let me tell you he has been a real stinker these last few weeks. School and church Christmas concert- Mary never let him do that stuff. He feels like he missed out so he often takes that out on me. I am real with him, I tell him don’t let her ruin the fact you have it now. Instead latch on to the fact that you can have it now. Try to get him to enjoy what he has now, instead of dwelling on what he missed out before.

It also means we still do “Santa” and his elf comes every year. For him it’s a chance to relive and reinvent holidays for himself. I’m hoping that it will help heal his heart over time. It’s a process and it is hard. I want healing for him. I want him to have great Christmas’s with his wife and kids some day. I’m hoping that doing it in a way that God is leading me will give him that. I know only God’s healing and wisdom can heal Carters heart and break the chains of our family sin patterns.

It also means that I set my expectations low. That even on great days and moments it is going to come with a lot of attitude. For example, Carter has wanted a real dresser for a while now. I found one on Facebook marketplace for cheap. It was amazing. We cleaned out the car and went and got it today. You would think this would be amazing that he would be so happy. You would be wrong. He was happy but he was also mad, crass, and snarky.

We were taking apart his old dresser and setting up his new one. He was miserable, complaining about how long it was taking (it took 10 minutes), and about how he just wanted to relax. I wanted to explode on him. He literally had a friend over all morning into the afternoon, I got them lunch. Then took his friend home and then we picked up the dresser. He had a great day, and yet he was being miserable about the dresser he wanted.

Finally I said to him, what are you so miserable about. I told him that from where I stand he had a great day and also got a dresser he really wanted. That’s when he said it, but the dresser makes me upset. I asked why. He replied Mary never got me my own dresser let alone replace one and made sure I liked the new one. I never had my own dresser before, I always shared with Mary. You never make me share. To which I replied well we share a closet. Carter said yeah but you don’t have a dresser of your own, I shouldn’t complain about sharing a closet. I asked him so what is bothering you. The fact that I don’t have a dresser or the fact that you now do. He replied that you put my needs first and Mary she just couldn’t.

That’s what I call a light bulb moment. He isn’t being a spoiled brat, he is processing the shift that is happening in his world. The shift where his needs come first, his needs matter, and that he matters a lot to me. I told him I don’t need a dresser I just need a closet. To which we both laughed. Then I said I don’t care if I don’t have a dresser, I am fine with a closet. What makes this hard is I went out of my way for you to have this dresser, when you act like this is makes me feel like you don’t appreciate it. Carter then said I do appreciate it, and I appreciate you so much. He then said I just wish Mary could have been more like you. I wish I had been born to you from the start.

I didn’t reply maybe I should have, I just feel like sometimes we just need to feel it. We don’t need someone to fix it or make us feel better we just need someone to acknowledge it. So that’s what I did, and then I did my best to transition us into New Years Eve celebrations.

Carter has stuff he is dealing with, it spills into a lot of our day. Yet it has been spilling less and less into our day. That is progress, and I pray that we will continue to move in the direction of healing.

I haven’t written in a while. Not because there is nothing to write about, but because there is so much I don’t know what to say. I guess I will start from September.

Cater has been struggling with depression that isn’t new. I had been calling to get him into a psychiatrist and we finally got an appointment in mid September. This is where things started to get chaotic. While he was talking with the psychiatrist he disclosed that Mary had sexually abused him.

When I heard this my heart broke, it is so broke for Carter. I know all to well how hard it is to deal with sexual abuse. I know about the effects, and I’m just so sad for him. That he had to endure that.

This caused a series of events to occur. DCPP was called and they came out and then the police came to our apartment.

DCPP came out because Mary had been his primary care giver at the time the abuse occurred. Ironically, this time around they have been much more helpful. Maybe it’s because we live in a different county, I don’t know but I am grateful. They set up a psychological evaluation for Carter and trauma therapy.

The detective told me it was up to me if I wanted to press charges or not. I told the detective that no it was Carters choice, and I would do whatever he wanted. The detective talked to Carter and laid it all out for him. Told him how hard it would be to prosecute and really gave him all the angles. He wanted Carter to be prepared and not taken by surprise.

Carter wants to press charges. So he made a formal statement. We are waiting on the results from the grand jury. I’m getting a little ahead of myself.

The detective after Carter made the formal statement tried to make contact with Mary. To date she had yet to talk to the detective. I don’t understand how we live in a world where we can just get away with ignoring authorities. DCPP hasn’t been able to get ahold of her either. She’s not returning their calls. They are closing the investigation, and they can’t substantiate the allegations. Blows my mind, they can’t? They haven’t even talked to her. How is it she is just allowed to get away with this. She literally is avoiding the problem and getting away with it.

Well somehow one of my family members found out about the detective and talked to the detective on behalf of Mary. They told the detective that Carter was lying about the sexually abuse and that I put him up to it. I don’t think the word livid even comes close to describing how I’m feeling. She is the abuser. When I talked to my family member they said that they think Carter is making it up and that I put him up to it. I just can’t believe that after everything that’s what they think. I mean why would we do this now? Things are finally settling down.

Yesterday I took Carter to the psychological evaluation. my heart just breaks for everything he has had to endure. I pray for Gods peace and guidance in our lives. I pray that Carter will know that none of this is his fault.

The other hard part is our family. It is totally torn apart, no one wants Carter to press charges. They feel it is the wrong thing to do. They are worried it will push Mary over the edge and that she will kill herself. The truth is it isn’t about what’s best for Mary the abuser, it’s about what is best for Carter the victim. This Christmas season we are grieving a lot, and we have so much to be thankful for. God has provided for us and continues to. I thank am so grateful I have a God who cares for us.

Mary threatened to come after me yesterday. Along with the threatening text messages that have come through lately, the fact that she wanted to kill our dad back in May. When she is like this she is very unpredictable. I was really scared. Thank called the police and I ended up getting a temporary restraining order.

I had to go down to the police station. I talked to the officers and showed them my evidence. Then they called a judge and I had to talk to the judge. Then they told me it was granted. Then I waited for a long time for the paperwork. I couldn’t figure out what was taking so long. It was hours. Finally, they came out and gave me the paperwork. Turns out they were trying to serve her before I left. They also informed me that because of the history they charged her with criminal harassment. I honestly don’t know how I feel about that. She has mental illness and a drug problem, she needs help. I don’t know that a criminal charge is going to do that for her. I just need to try keep Carter and I safe. I know some people won’t understand and they will judge. The thing is I need to do what is right for us.

We will have court in the coming weeks for the temporary restraining order. Hopefully she gets served and things can move quickly.